and lately.
i've been thinking that maybe we share too much without thinking about how it might affect others.
i have to be honest and tell you that for the first couple weeks of my pregnancy i was terrified to get onto the internet. and no, i know what you're thinking. i wasn't googling "what could go wrong" or "what's this pain mean?" i was just on instagram. or reading blogs of these mommies that i've been reading for a while now, but saw them in such a different light.
the reason for my fear was because i was following these women who have gone through some really terrible things when it comes to pregnancy. unspeakable things. heart breaking things that i couldn't imagine. but they kept posting about it. over. and over. and over again. it almost felt like she wanted to make sure that we remembered she went through this terrible awful thing.
now please. before i go on. don't miss my point here. i do believe that the internet is a beautiful thing where women can meet other women who have gone through the same things and be blessed by each other. it's a place to find community in the most amazing ways. i can honestly speak that from total experience.
but lately, i've been thinking that sometimes as women, we share things to try and heal, but end up scaring other women. really, really scaring them.
here's what really did me in.
i was reading a blog by a fashion mommy who had had a heartbreaking experience over the holidays. but her words in her blog brought me to tears. she explained that even though it happened and she was sad about it. she was ok with it because she was so busy over the holidays.
have i made the circle back around yet?
maybe that was too much to share.
i was left in total fear.
complete fear.
scared to move. to breath. to eat the wrong thing.
paranoid that any odd feeling would be the worst.
insert: the Savior of the world.
i spent a lot of time with the Lord those first couple of weeks. i spent so much time just begging Him that this little babe growing inside of me would just develop and grow just as they should.
i was so covered in fear, that even when i went to the God of the universe, i still couldn't let it go.
i can't sit here and tell you that it just poof! went away. but i can tell you that God met me right where i was and heard my prayers and took that fear from me.
there is no fear in love. but perfect love drives out fear. - 1 john 4:18
He met me because i needed and called out to Him. the really great thing about God is that He sees us, all of us, the good the bad the ugly the scared, and loves us even if we can't quite give it all up to Him right then. i feel like that's how the really great parents do things. staying right by us and never giving up. reminding us that we aren't alone.
i know i can speak from experience with that one too.
cast your cares on the Lord,
and He will sustain you,
He will never let the righteous be shaken. - psalm 55:22
i couldn't imagine going through my pregnancy without the Lord. without having a Rock to lean on in the times when i feel like i just can't do it. and yes. you bet there will be more moments like this.
but the thing is, i'm not scared of what could be. i'm over joyed with what will be.
because i know God has the most amazing plan for this little nugget growing inside of me.
and that. is enough for me.
i was driving home the other night and found this amazing version of oceans from shane and shane (one of my faves). i've heard the song a thousand times. but this time heard a totally different part that brought me to the ugly snot filled cry in worship for my Savior.
"Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
will be my guide
where my feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now. "
He's never failed. He's certainly not going to start now.
amen and hallelujah to that.
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